I’m not going to lie… or hide the fact. I’m a big girl… a woman that knows her own mind and definitely knows her own wants.

I like some slap and tickle.

I like being tied up. I like tying people up as well.

I am willing to try anything once… if I like it then I’ll try it again.

Remember how I said that I’m a big girl? That’s in age and understanding only… physically, I’m petite… smaller than the average. I am concerned for my safety… 

You must ask if I am willing. I must give my consent. 

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Hi Simone,

You know, I really didn’t think about it prior to your request but now I see how I am so opposite to your topic. As a woman in the construction industry I spent many many years aggressively showing / proving my worth. I think that also manifested itself in the bedroom with me acting very dominant. Over those years I struggled to foster a happy relationship as they were all power struggles. As I have aged, mellowed and become much more comfortable with myself and my femininity I have found that I am most content playing the ‘traditional’ role of the woman in a relationship. I’m submissive and he takes control of most if not everything. And I love it. My partner has known me all of my adult life and says he sees a marked change in me. I think one of the reasons our relationship thrives is he knew me back then, respects where I have come from, recognises my strength and still sees me as his ‘little princess’ in need of protection and gentle care. :) My desire and ability to submit to him is based on a foundation of mutual respect. 

T.K

 So weigh in on this. Are male/female relationships happier when parties practice “traditional” masculine and feminine roles? Is T.K giving up her right to consent? Can one be submissive and still give consent? Do expectations about the roles of men and women make it difficult for women who are more assertive to have happy relationships?

 Graphic by Lynette Leid

Sex is a messy affair. And I’m not just referring to the interlocking of body parts and the exchange of fluids. The ethics of sexual relations, the dos and don’ts of intercourse and everything that leads up to it, are areas of contention despite our bravest attempts to demystify them.

Take, for example, consent, that great determiner between a perfectly legitimate encounter and an abusive one. The first part of the word’s definition seems simple enough – permission, approval or agreement. But then we come up against compliance and the long slide down the slippery slope begins. To comply, you see, is to yield from a position of weakness. Can a sexual encounter be deemed appropriate even though one party complies?

Compliance, it seems, is the grey area - that part of the spectrum that lies between fully consensual sex and rape. The messiness starts here.

And for me, here is where the crux of the matter lies, not at consent but at the delicate balance of power that starts to tip at the point of compliance.

Sex, like any other human interaction, is shaped by the dynamics of power, perceived and real. The direction it takes depends primarily on the way both parties view themselves in relation to the other. And when one party sees itself as dominant or seeks to achieve dominance, abuse becomes a very real possibility. 

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by Samantha Campbell

Consent is one of those simple-looking words that give many of us pause when asked to describe it. It seems an explanation should simply roll off the tongue but as I learned over the years, you can’t fit ‘consent’ and ‘sex’ into one tidy box.

When asked to write this piece, my mind raced back to the 11 year old girl who was alledgedly gang raped last year by at least 18 boys and men in a tiny Texas town. The girl’s neighbour horrified many by telling reporters that she was often seen unsupervised, wearing   makeup and provocative clothing, as if to suggest that she had it coming, never mind she was too young, in the eyes of the law, to agree to such acts.

Such half-baked rationalisations are shameful and far too common in sexual assualt cases, where some victims are hastily judged to be sending out the wrong signals or worse yet simply dismissed as sluts. For the record, no girl asks to be raped or otherwise assaulted. PERIOD. But this idea of sending right and wrong signals got me thinking. If consent is not often verbalised, how can we ever be sure that our partners were willing participants? 

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What is consent? Does silence equal consent? If you didn’t fight, is it consent? Does submissive indicate lack of consent? How is sex different when you are in control of what is happening? When you are clear about what you want and don’t want? How can women become more assertive about consent? How do you have the awkward talk about condoms, stds, anal sex? What are some of the social and cultural barriers that make it difficult for women to give effective consent?

In our week-long series on Sex and Consent, various contributors will give their take on the topic and help shed greater light on some of the issues that make Sex and Consent so problematic for women.

We want YOU to participate. We will be asking questions at the end of our posts and will also be having intermittent discussion on facebook and twitter about #sexandconsent so please keep a look out and join in discussions. 

Our main goal at WomenSpeak is to help raise consciousness about the various ways in which discrimination against women happens in our everyday lives and to provide a forum for Caribbean women to tell their personal stories. We hope that many of you will Share Your Story to help create a better understanding of the challenges women face in navigating the murky issue of Sex and Consent. 

All our posts on the topic will be tagged #consent, so have a read through of past posts on the topic as well. And most importantly Share Share Share this info - Reblog, Repost, Retweet. 

 Graphic designed by Lynette Leid